“But You Did It Too” Is Where Conversations Go to Die

“But You Did It Too” Is Not Accountability. It’s Avoidance.

There’s a reel from Married at First Sight UK going around that is set up like a therapy session.

The “therapist” asks her if her feelings get minimized, if things get deflected in conflict.

She says yes.

And his response is:

“Well last week when I came to you, my feelings were shut down. So why weren’t my feelings considered in this?”

That’s a clean deflection.

Not sloppy. Not obvious. Clean.

And people online are immediately like:

“Narcissist.”

Relax.

He’s not wrong.

That probably did happen.

He’s just using it at the exact moment that lets him avoid doing the one thing being asked of him:

Sit in the fact that he hurt her.

That’s it.

That’s the whole assignment.

And he can’t do it.

So he reaches for something - anything - that puts him back on equal footing.

“Yeah but you - ”

And just like that, we’re off.

This is what deflection actually looks like in relationships.

Not denial. Not gaslighting.

Just grabbing a valid point and dropping it into the conversation at the worst possible time.

She says:

“You hurt me.”

He says:

“Cool, let’s talk about how you hurt me.”

Now nobody’s getting heard.

But both people feel justified.

Which is exactly how you stay stuck.

And here’s where people get lazy with it.

Slapping the word “narcissist” on this and calling it a day.

Because once you do that, you’ve basically decided:

“This is just who they are.”

And now what?

You don’t engage, you don’t try to work through it, you don’t look at the pattern.

You just sit in:

“They’re the problem.”

And to be fair - that label gives both people an out.

Them:

“Well this is just how I am.”

You:

“There’s no point trying.”

Great.

Now nothing changes.

Is this narcissistic behavior if it’s rigid, chronic, everywhere, and never shifts?

Sure.

But most of the time?

This is way less interesting.

This is someone who cannot tolerate being the one in the wrong for more than five seconds.

Someone who can’t wait their turn.

Someone who hears:

“You hurt me”

and immediately needs to make sure they’re not the only one holding that weight.

It’s not pathology.

It’s immaturity.

And it shows up exactly like this:

“But you did it too.”

Which sounds fair.

And is completely useless if you’re actually trying to repair something.

Because repair requires one very simple thing that people hate:

Letting it be about the other person for a minute.

No balancing.
No scoreboard.
No immediate counterattack.

Just:

“Yeah. I see that.”

If you can’t do that?

You’re not communicating.

You’re managing your own discomfort in real time.

And dragging the conversation with you while you do it.

That’s the problem.